SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. AW, COME ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO MAIN SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND HER EYES. SAM: AND WHAT AM I KID: AND SWEET. SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU! YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA. SAM: CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS! WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND! GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE CARLYS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. YOU CAN HAVE IT! CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. YOURE SAYING IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME. PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP. CARLY SPENCER UP. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM SCENE WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY! PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 AUDITIONS OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. OKAY CARLY: WE DONT WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB PUTS A ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. WHAT YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU DONT I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS TO CARLY. (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CALM DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT AT NIGHT OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. WHATCHA DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! SURE IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: (YELLING) THATS 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.